(this is crossposted)
I want to give you chills.
Your room is so cold. That is the opposite of how I thought you were. If that is the case, then why is your room so cold? I have to huddle close between you and the wall to keep any sort of warmth from exiting the sheets. When our flesh touches, there is warmth, sweat even, but the second we disconnect I am hit with a rush of ice where your hand used to be, and THAT is dis-concerning. You try to sleep, but you can’t, based on the fact that I claim I see sparkles of frost on your eyelashes…your eyes twitch, almost as if you can feel them, too, we both can. You notice I’m watching you, and you probably find it flattering, but the truth of the matter is, I am only watching you in awe of the fact that you can actually have your head above covers with no protection. I'm truly amazed and strangely horrified, because the moment I peek even my forehead out, I retract back under the comforter and begin breathing heavily, trying to fill the covers with my warm breath, even though I know it will only last a second. I don't notice that one of your arms has been on the outside of the bedding either, until I feel the quick shift of your body weight, and you wrap that particular arm around me, and I'm pinned to you, so tight that I couldn't even react if I wanted to. In time, I know your arm will match our body heat, so I accept every inch of you pressing against my back. I could try to sleep, but I doubt I will fully reach it. I'm in unfamiliar territory, and knowing I have a specific time I need to leave, that will be more prominent on my mind as opposed to a comfortable sleep. I like your breathing, though. I can hear it and without realizing it, my breathing pattern starts to match yours and our chests are moving together and your arm tickles mine and I may actually start to get comfortable and I may just fall asl.......not that simple. You turn around so you're facing away from me now and I can't figure out why. Wouldn't shifting just make it colder? The idea is to get cozy and never move until you absolutely have to and then when you do, you move with me because that is how we should be..moving together. After all that has happened in this short period of time, I find it unnatural for me to even think that, so I stop, before I get myself in trouble. I'm worried though, I'm not going to lie. We've already ruined our chances, though I don't know this right now...but I'm pretty sure that because of the level we've reached in our space, in our relationship, we've reached it too soon, and you're not all there, but neither am I. I want to be, and sometimes I feel like we are, but when it comes down to it, we don't know each other, besides little things. The little things have kept me hanging on, believing that the fact that I'm even here with you now means something, when in reality, it's just a coincidence and a nice convenience. Now that you've shifted away, I start to wonder, and immediately after that thought hits my brain, you turn back towards me and you smile...it's a genuine smile, but I still think there is thoughts behind it...thoughts that you know I'm nervous and doubtful and confused and I think you just want to make me...not that way. Good luck, that's how I am. See, if we knew each other, you'd know that about me. After tonight, we are different, and I have yet to accept that, and maybe you haven't either. Maybe you're having the same doubts and thoughts and confusion that I am, I wouldn't put it past you...we're entirely too similar. Maybe you're waiting for me, even though I said I'd wait for you. How do we really know? I do know that your room is cold, and it's not because of you. It's not because of me. I've wanted to have this kind of effect on you, to the point where moving somewhere outside the boundaries of us makes you twitch and not necessarily because you know why, but because it's unfamiliar, because that's how I feel now. I think you have the ability to warm me up, but now is not the time. You're still in winter, there is time for summer, you just have to understand that and I just have to understand patience. We have the chance, you know that...but only after these feelings have melted and you can enjoy the warmth to capacity.
You're not cold, but your room is.